Steven Rhodes

Introducing the Oligarch of the Occult: Steven Rhodes Tees

If you’re a fan of all things dark and twisted with lashings and dollops of humour to boot, this Dominatrix of Dark Nostalgia is your retro illustrator-man. With designs inspired by 70s and 80s children’s activity books blended with sci-fi and creepy comics, there’s a Steven Rhodes shirt for every weirdo. And if you’re an absolute junkie for the Master of the Dark T-Shirt Arts, then you must mosey on over to our curated collection of devilishly dark tees. Muahahahaha.

Is Steven Rhodes a Superhuman?

We grapple with this question every single day. Steven Rhodes is synonymous with dark, twisted, and hilarious nostalgia. We know that already. So, yes, the short answer is, he must be superhuman. In fact, there is never one without the other—a bit like peanut butter and jelly or your mum and Juan the pool boy (doing a bit of Juan on Juan). It is a perfect union.

Steven Rhodes is also a fan-favourite amongst graphic t-shirt fiends. According to our biggest fans, scrolling through Steven Rhodes designs is like falling down a rabbit hole of nostalgia. And, well, there are worse rabbit holes to fall into. Like a rabbit hole of stinky cheeses or a rabbit hole of burrito-infused diarrhoea. Sorry, not sorry.

Steven Rhodes Designs: How does he do it?

You might be wondering how this masterful illustrator comes up with his dark, nostalgic designs. Do you want a sensible answer? He probably browses vintage stores and watches cult classics from the 80s. It’s probably also a product of years of digesting 70s and 80s pop culture. Our theory?

1. Befriends a drop bear. Hangs out with it. Rubs it for ideas.
2. Buys an amethyst crystal. Kisses it.
3. Reads every children’s activity book from the 70s and 80s. Also kisses them.
4. Skips steps 1 to 3. And just comes up with ideas in the shower like everyone else.

(Steve, if you’re reading this, tell us your secrets, please.) Are you ready to put on your Steven Rhodes hoodie and rub an amethyst crystal?

What Can You Do In Your Steven Rhodes Tees, Hoodies, and More?

Ooft—another question that we struggle with all the time. But guess what? Steven Rhodes has taken the liberty of giving us some pointers on his tees. You could:

1. Sacrifice your friend, Toby.
2. Summon demons.
3. Make special brownies.
4. Perform an exorcism.
5. Find a cure for stupid people.
6. Sell your soul.
7. Guillotine your stuffed animals.

Now, we’re not suggesting you do these things, but we’re just highlighting the possibilities.

A Final Tale: Don’t Be That Loser At Exorcism Night

Let’s rewind the clock to those roaring seventies. Ready? Picture this. You’ve just met the partner of your dreams. You tie the knot shortly after. You quickly move into your Victorian fixer-upper and start planting roots. But—the first night starts a tad spooky and sinister. You tuck yourself in next to the dreamboat, of, well, your dreams. And suddenly, you wake up to your pale-skinned partner gnawing at your foot and hissing some ancient demonic dialect.

You didn’t want to admit it, but you're turned on. You thought you liked a bit of bondage, and this moment crystallised your cravings. A seed is planted. A seed that would eventually grow into a plant bearing a different type of fruit: handcuffs, candle wax, and butt plugs. You like the thought of this even more.

You put your cravings aside and choose to be responsible. Your partner must be possessed, you think. And so, you call the Vatican immediately to schedule an exorcism for your lover.

You show up to exorcism night, an esky filled with holy water in one hand and handcuffs in the other. You can never be too prepared, you think. Everyone is there—the whole motley crew of town misfits. Ash—the town drunk. Georgina—the town clock winder. Fulvio—the town eggler. They all turn to you, shooting eye-daggers at you, mostly in disgust rather than anger.

You notice that everyone is wearing a Steven Rhodes shirt except you. You feel like a loser. You feel like you’ve disappointed your lover. Don’t be that loser on exorcism night. You know, the one not wearing a Steven Rhodes t-shirt.